The Painter U.S. Congressional Representative


“Dear Parents in the United States, Is Your Congressperson as Weak and Ineffectual as Mine?” 2017. Acrylic on paper, 15 x 22″

I want Medicare for all. I want this, and can have it because I do not want another aircraft carrier with a Taco Bell® catering subsidized careers to high school underachievers. Drones are cheaper and can pick off innocent people, or cumbersome dictators thousands of miles away. My government tests them out of Syracuse, N.Y. Some pimply little brat from x-box school pretends suburbs like Mattydale and Liverpool are hostile insurgent camps and he aims its sights on a Syracuse school bus from an air-conditioned cubicle in Reno, Nevada. Drones are very affordable as they are immoral, however, as a replacement to the Lockheed Martin and Boeing dinosaurs, they potentially free up billions of dollars for prenatal care to expectant mothers, and a college education promised to their newborns approximately 18 years after delivery.

I know that the national treasury can afford these things because I can find out the cost of an obsolete fighter jet online. So can you. I declare this morning that during my 2018 independent run for New York’s 24th district congressional seat, I will do my best to refrain from spouting statistics to back up an argument. Americans pay a federal tax, the numbers add up to a very large sum, and from that sum funds are distributed by Congress back to government and its many bureaucratic functions. Paying what we pay now in federal tax, and foregoing 20th century investment in aircraft carriers and airbases in Afghanistan and Okinawa, I know our nation can afford health care for all, make significant payments on the national debt, and offer top notch education to our children.

Here are some campaign promises. I can offer nothing more or less. I will not debate another candidate. I will not speak of qualifications, nor defend my past. The constitution has qualified me. I am over 25. I have been a citizen of the United States and lived in New York State for 491/2 years, and my children love me. That’s enough.

1.  I will serve only one term.

2. I will take the salary for the two years I am representative, and donate half to a one time meritorious scholarship opportunity for one boy and one girl in my district.

3. I will not take a pension in any form.

4. I will hire only one staff secretary.

5. I will only vote on bills that I am able to read in full, given the time allotted to read them. I will only vote in a manner ascribed by the United States Constitution. That is, read it yourself. If you like it enough to vote for me, then please do.

6. I will make no appearances in public outside my office, the steps of U.S. Congress, or on my way to the mailbox.

7. I will openly advocate for an amendment decrying term limits on Congress.

8. I will not have any contact with lobbyists. Only individual constituents representing themselves or local non-profits.

Finally, and this may come as a surprise to both established parties, I very much intend to win, or lose, depending on how seriously I am taken. Still, I believe if given a sober third choice, that only an ignoramus would cast a vote for a same ole republicrat, or same ole democran, knowing what he or she knows now about our corrupt institutions.

I think I have a pretty good chance.

Or not.


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